Asking Questions and Opening Up

Pariveda sent me to Dallas for a week for work. As someone who still considers herself a newlywed, normally I wouldn't be too excited to spend a week apart from my husband, but I was actually pleasantly surprised by how much fun I was able to have even though David and I were apart.

The best part about traveling is that it gives me the opportunity to see old friends from college for free! (You know, the friends you love but you just don’t get to see because you live too far apart.)

Most of my week was spent hanging out with a coworker who was ramping me up on the project at the client site so that he could roll off the project and try something new. We got along super well and had a lot of fun, but it wasn’t until I was hanging out with an old friend from college, Greta, that I realized that he didn’t really ask me questions. Mostly I would ask him questions and then we could talk for a while, but if I wanted to say something, I just had to say it.

Greta asked me a few questions about how David and I were and after about the fourth question, something inside me just said, “Wow, being asked questions is really nice… like really, really nice…” So of course I told her that I really appreciated her asking me so many good questions. She replied:

-What? What are you talking about, *you* ask the best questions, I'm always so surprised by the good questions you ask.

This of course brought up a completely blank look from me.

-What? What are you talking about?

-I remember in college you were in the car with people you didn't even really know and you just asked them, “What do you guys think are the ups and downs of college life here?" …I mean, that’s something I’ve always admired about you. You always seem to know how to get a good conversation rolling. How do you do it?

-Uh, thanks.

After remembering the summer we were roommates and all the friendships we had built together, I decided to share with her the tips I had found that summer for getting good conversations going and keeping them rolling. Here’s a list of things that have helped me to have better conversations:

• Build a bond

Before I can have a good conversation with someone, it is a good idea to small talk a little just so that the other person you want to have a real conversation with knows you’re cool and that it’s safe to have a real conversation. Small-talk conversation topics I’ve found include talking about the weather, sports, or the news. Generally my fear behind asking people deeper questions is that I’ll offend them—if you go too deep too fast, you will make people feel uncomfortable. I’ve noticed it’s good to build some common ground first so that in the case you do accidentally offend someone, you’ll have some common ground to fall back on.

• Be curious

After building a bond, I've noticed it is generally okay to be curious. I naturally want to understand other people, and often people are flattered when I find them so interesting. I try to ask those sincere questions that I’m curious about and the people I ask can normally tell I’m really interested and are happy to open up.

• Use online resources for inspirations

Ok, so this step felt a little weird the first time, but I recommend looking up questions to ask people. Look here for questions to ask a boyfriend/girlfriend or here for questions from a husband to his wife, and look here for questions to ask someone you’re getting to know. Google seriously knows everything.

• Practice asking questions

Using the online resources from my last point or maybe by just brainstorming your own list, go ahead and practice asking more questions. Try to involve an extra question or two in your daily conversations and see where it goes.

• Talk about your interesting observations

Not everyone is going to think that what you find interesting is interesting to them, but they might. Once in a while, feel free to share whatever interesting insights you’ve found with others. I like to share my observations, ask others what they think about them, and learn about how other people see the world.

• Share your problems (in a positive way)

When I open up to others, they’ll often open up to me. When I share that I’ve been having trouble with this or that, someone else might share that they feel the same way. Sharing information about yourself is a way to get others to open up about themselves without actually asking a formal question.

• Give the other person an out

If you think you might be treading on dangerous waters that could offend someone else, I normally try to give the other person an out. You can say, “Hey, if this is too personal, you don’t have to answer, but” or anything else to give the other person some personal space.

Three hours later when Greta and I finished chatting, she told me that I should write a book about how to ask questions, so I decided to settle for a blog post for now. :)

This story wouldn’t be complete unless I admitted that the next day I told my coworker that I noticed he wasn’t asking me questions and I was curious to know why. He told me that he purposefully doesn’t ask questions because he doesn’t want to come across as too nosy. I had to really think about it. I think that it’s good to ask questions, but I liked his approach of keeping a conversation moving and how he was open about himself and how that helps him get to know people without being nosy.

How do you get good conversations rolling?

-Mr. D. and Mrs. M.

Greta is the fine lady on the far right.