David spoke in church today for Father's Day and I thought he did a wonderful job. Here is his talk:
We have been a part of the Highlands Ward for a little over a year now, and I
still feel as though I don’t know a lot of you. I think those of you who don’t know me yet, probably know
me as the dad of the two-year-old with cancer, but to give a bit more of an introduction: My wife
Marissa and I have lived in the area now for almost 10 years, previously in the Klahanie ward. We have 3
boys, Neil who is 6 and is excited to finish kindergarten next week, James who is 3 and is loving
experiencing everything that he missed out on in the past year, and Isaac who is 1 and tries his hardest
to be involved in everything that his older brothers are doing.
As we all know, today is Father's Day and I am excited that this Father's Day is going to be a normal one at
home spending time together as a family. Last year’s Fathers Day was anything but “normal”. A little over
one year ago, on June 2nd 2022 our little James, who had just turned two a few weeks prior, was
diagnosed with Wilms’ Tumors, which is a form of kidney cancer. The cancer was bilateral, meaning
that it was in both kidneys, and had also metastasized to both of his lungs. We would later find out that
he had one large tumor in his right kidney, that had taken over that kidney which was no longer
functioning, 11 small tumors in his left kidney, and about 15 small tumors in each lung. In the 18 days
between James’s diagnosis and Father’s Day last year, James spent 14 of them at Seattle Children’s
hospital, including Father’s day. Marissa and I thought it would be nice for me to spend the night before
fathers day in my own bed and be home for Father's Day, so Marissa came to the hospital and stayed
with James while I was able to go home for Father's Day. I am not sure why I thought that being home
with a one-month-old was going to be any easier than being at the hospital, because it wasn’t. I thought I
had it hard not sleeping well on the hospital couch/bed thing, but realized Marissa had It much harder at
home with a baby waking up every couple hours. That night she totally got more sleep than I did, but I
was happy to give her a break, she needed it. Crazy to think that spending the night at the hospital could
be considered a break. Having a kid with cancer and a one month old, would not recommend.
Those first few weeks were definitely the hardest, we were overwhelmed by hospital visits and
overnight stays, we had a newborn waking up every few hours at night, we had met dozens of doctors and medical
staff who all had something different to tell us, all of which needed to be repeated multiple times
because there was no way we were going to remember or even understand any of it, we had to learn how to
give James his multitude of medicines, which ultimately got easier after placing a feeding tube, so we
had to learn how to do that too (in hindsight the feeding tube was amazing and I was dumb for fighting
it) even though it would constantly clog or kink in the middle of the night triggering an alarm that it
needed to be fixed, and constantly worrying that James was going to catch something and end up with a
fever landing him back in the hospital. We were so tired, but what were the alternatives? All we could
do was just do the things each day, get a few hours of sleep, then repeat. I absolutely don’t want to
downplay the help we received from family and the caring members of the ward. We could not have
done it without the meals, texts, calls, and encouragement we received, and I mean that literally, I don’t
know that we could have done it without it, so thank you.
I remember one time, about a month into treatment, our front door was “heart attacked” meaning it
was decorated with a bunch of hearts that had words of encouragement on them. I read every single
one and the one that jumped out to me had written, “When there is no peace on earth, there is Peace in
Christ”. This was a line from the song “Peace in Christ”. I had heard this song for the first time only a few
months prior so I went inside and played it on my phone. I had enjoyed the song when I had previously
listened to it, but when the chorus came, I just broke down crying because that is exactly what I needed
to hear at that very moment. The chorus reads:
He gives us hope
When hope is gone.
He gives us strength
When we can’t go on.
He gives us shelter
In the storms of life.
When there’s no peace on earth,
There is peace in Christ.
My life at that point was anything but peaceful. I needed to be told that he gives me hope when hope is
gone, that he gives me strength when I can’t go on, that he gives me shelter through the storms of my
life, and that true peace is in Christ. I don’t know which one of you wrote that message on that heart,
but know that you were guided by the Spirit. I needed that because at that time I didn’t know how I was
going to go on, I was so tired and burned out, but what could I do? I was the father of these three kids
and I couldn’t give up, it didn’t matter that I didn’t have anymore to give, I had to keep giving. That song
reminded me that I needed to lean on the Lord more. I kneeled down and bore my heart out to my Heavenly Father telling him about everything going on and that I was not strong enough to keep doing it.
I asked for peace and strength. After that prayer I did feel peace, I felt lighter like some of the burdens
that were weighing me down were lifted. I realized I was trying be strong, but what I ended up doing
was just bottling everything up from the last month, keeping it inside when I needed to let it out.
Life was still hard after that realization. After that I’m not sure if the things themselves got easier, but it
sure felt that way. I had found added strength and I kept doing the things, and you know what? I got
better at doing them. It became routine to go to the hospital a few times a week or often stay there
overnight for multiple nights at a time and I didn’t feel as tired when I woke up several times in the night
to get Isaac, clean up James’s vomit, or fix his feeding tube. I kept on doing the things that needed to be
done, because that is what fathers do.
Which finally brings me to the purpose of this talk, which is that being a father is hard, I mean really
hard, but through trial and hardship fathers continue to do what needs to be done.
Elder D. Todd Christopherson in his April 2016 conference address titled “Fathers” said the following:
“For men, fatherhood exposes us to our own weaknesses and our need to improve. Fatherhood requires
sacrifice, but it is a source of incomparable satisfaction, even joy. Again, the ultimate model is our
Heavenly Father, who so loved us, His spirit children, that He gave us His Only Begotten Son for our
salvation and exaltation. Jesus said, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for
his friends.” Fathers manifest that love as they lay down their lives day by day, laboring in the service
and support of their families.”
It is so true what Elder Christofferson says about fatherhood exposing our own weaknesses and our
need to improve. The last year has forced me to overcome my weaknesses and greatly improve, but
even in more “normal” times, I am constantly being reminded, often quite bluntly by my 6-year-old Neil,
how much I still need to improve, but it’s amazing how much satisfaction I receive on a daily basis by
being a father. Even through the hardest times, I can’t adequately put to words the joy and satisfaction I
received being a father. I remember times when James had just gone through a grueling chemo
treatment or a lengthy surgery and he would just grab my hand and hold it tight or ask me to come sit
with him, I could feel his love for me and I could feel how me being close was a support and strength to
him. That warmed my heart more than anything else in life could and in that moment everything didn’t
seem so bad.
From the same talk Elder Christofferson also said “To my brethren, the fathers in this Church, I say, I
know you wish you were a more perfect father. I know I wish I were. Even so, despite our limitations, let
us press on. Let us lay aside the exaggerated notions of individualism and autonomy in today’s culture
and think first of the happiness and well-being of others. Surely, despite our inadequacies, our Heavenly
Father will magnify us and cause our simple efforts to bear fruit.”
I am by no means perfect, and if nothing else this last year has helped me realize that countless times,
but these little kids make me want to be. Everyday they make me want to be a little bit better, a little bit
kinder, a little bit smarter, a little bit more Christlike. To all the fathers out there, you don’t need to be
perfect, even if your kids…like mine… sometimes expect me to be, you are enough. You have what it
takes to keep doing all the things, and if you don’t feel like you do, remember that our Heavenly Father
is always there to give us added strength. Find the humility to kneel down and ask for that strength and
he will give it to you, no matter how large of a trial that is in front of you.
I bear my testimony that I know all things are possible through Christ, this last year is a testament to
that. Not only is it a miracle that James is cancer-free and healthy, but it is a miracle that me and
Marissa had the strength and support we needed to get through it. I know that God lives and just like
any Father, he supports, blesses us, and wants us to succeed.
I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
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